Whenever I start getting into habit design, one of the first questions that comes up is how to break a bad habit. I usually don’t get into it. That’s because I think that you have to get pretty good at creating new habits before you get rid of old ones. The latter is a more advanced skill. However, I also think that we’re due to get into it.
As you probably know, the stuff I’m sharing with you comes from BJ Fogg and the Behaviour Design Lab at Stanford. BJ is a stickler for language and is not a fan of the term “break a habit.” Breaking a bad habit sounds like a one-time action. As if, in a moment of extremely high motivation or discipline, we apply an incredible amount of force to an old habit and snap it in two — permanently altering it. He prefers the term “untangling” because bad habits are part of a complex system of other habits… like a heavily knotted rope — with the key habits deep on the inside. Yoinking on the rope just makes it tighter, so you have to approach things systematically and with patience.
The emotional experience of failing needs to be considered. I think that’s my greatest reservation in discussing this stuff. Like the beginning chapter of any kind of skill development, habit design is initially best practiced with low stakes. Do easy things before you do hard things. Have fun before you get serious. By all means, try hard things as an experiment BUT only if failing isn’t upsetting. Most of the bad habits we deal with are things that we’ve repeatedly failed at stopping, so be gentle with yourself here.
Untangling My Thoughts Elena Myasnikova
3 stages of change
1. Work to create new habits
Rather than trying to brute force your way into victory, go further upstream and build new habits that do one of the following:
• Positively affect your mood and energy before you deal with the habit you’re trying to untangle
• Help you shift your identity. There’s a big energetic difference between a person who says, “I’m trying to stop screaming at my coworkers” and one who says, “Kindness is a top priority for me.”
2. Work to stop old habits
You can make it harder to do the old habit through one of the following methods:
• Think about the specific contexts your habit exists in. There may be specific physical locations, for example. Or prompts from your phone. Or social/environmental triggers. Then? Take away the prompts if you’re able.
• Make the old habits harder. This isn’t about restriction; it’s about friction. Add another step. Another bit of decision-making. More effort. Less convenience.
Many of our bad habits come out of a need to manage tough emotions. So, it’s easier to remove the emotional triggers than to negotiate with yourself while you’re in in full gremlin mode.
• Create simple rules. Don’t eat after midnight; avoid bright light; don’t get wet. Whoops. That’s gremlins again. Time-restricted eating, which is what I meant to tell you about, is still an incredibly popular strategy for snacking and overconsumption habits — not because it’s easy but because it is so simple.
Good decisions are easier when you’re calm.
3. Replace old habits for new ones
Plant new, wonderful things and then tend to them mindfully.
• Crowd out the old behaviours with other positive behaviours. For example, you don’t have to focus on the foods you don’t want to eat; instead, prioritize all of the wonderful things you do want to eat. You may find yourself less snacky, for example, after you’ve eaten a bowl of salad the size of your head.
• Hijack old prompts. I have met plenty of people who gave up smoking by replacing cigarettes with gum, candy, etc. I have a buddy who curbed his road rage by giving himself permission to yell and cuss after saying once nice thing about the offending driver.
• Create tons of positive emotion around your new behaviours. Celebrate them. Think about how they tie into your emerging identity. Keep things easy enough for your sense of success to build juggernaut-like momentum.
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